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" "It's fine I said save it! We should get going." The cab ride back is silent, awkward, and painful. I want to say something to make him feel better but I can't think of anything. So I say nothing. That night I can't sleep. I'm thinking about Zaid and how much I hurt him. Why was I so quick to turn him down? He really is a wonderful guy. Handsome too- about six feet, with tan skin, and dark eyes with lashes any girl would kill for. He has such a kind face. I can't believe I could hurt someone with such a kind face, but I did. I start replaying our conversation over and over in my mind. Then I start to think of how differently it could have gone. Without even realizing it, I'm touching myself to the thought of losing my virginity to my cousin. I rub my clit until I fall asleep. ****************** Knock knock knock knock! I wait. Zaid answers the door after about a minute. "Oh hi," I say sheepishly. "You're surprised to see me? This is my house you know." "I know." I try to think of. His other posts were just as self-pitying as this one; they all kept complaining about something or another. A bunch of people had responded to his posts, trying to reassure him. But he never seemed to respond back.Part of me did feel bad for him, but I wasn’t sure what to do. I needed to talk to someone, so I e-mailed Nick and Jay. By that point, we’d had struck up a pretty good rapport. They were the first gay guys I’d confided in on a totally platonic level. I felt like Chad and I needed more gay friends, and I figured Nick and Jay were a start, even if I only knew them online.I had just finished typing up my message when I heard Chad’s key in the door. I scrambled to hit “send” right before he stepped inside.Chad clearly knew something was up. “What’s wrong?” he asked.“Nothing,” I said as casually as I could. “Just... drama between some old friends.”“That sucks,” he said. I hoped he was buying my story, but I couldn’t quite tell. He just threw down his bag and plopped.
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